Friday, June 11, 2010

NO BOYS, NO!

So I'm sitting here watching VH1's Undateable and I've been inspired to create my own version. So far since I've moved back to Cleveland, I've noticed that I never see attractive guys anymore. Being newly single, this is an upsetting problem. The thing is that I think a lot of guys here have potential, they just ruin everything by wearing dumb things/having horrible hair. So here goes...

Don't
1. Military Hats



These are VERY popular with men in Cleveland. They usually feature pinstrips or maybe a skull decal. Sorry, dudes it's 2010. You look like that kid with a mullet from Degrassi.

2. Overly graphic tees
Okay, so this a good rule for male style: K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid). This shirt violates that rule to the point where it needs to be checked into a clinic and have pictures taken of its vagina. You look DUMB. You look like a seventh grade girl. Is that glitter on your shirt? Oh, rhinestones? Stop it. Now. Take that shit back to the Buckle ASAP.



3. KSwiss/any other white tennis shoes
These shoes were really cool when I was in 7th grade. That was 10 YEARS AGO. Take them off. Any shoes that you need to replace every 6 weeks because they're getting yellow are gross.



4. Lip rings/gauged ears/emo hair
Lip rings are trashy. Gauged ears make you have gross stretched out lobes. Emo hair (enough said). Hot Topic is for 15 year olds. You probably still listen to things like Matchbox Romance. Give it up. Grow up. Bye.


5. Goatees:
Overly manicured facial hair is weird. Don't do it. The end.


6. Puka shells/Man necklace
People who don't live in this city would be shocked at the amount of puka shell necklaces that are still being worn. When I think about puka shells I think about 6th grade, Kenny Chesney, and visors. The last time I associated these things with hot guys, I was 12. Unless your looking for a girlfriend who is in middle school, remove your puka shell necklace, hold it over the toilet, and cut the string. Now!


7. Designer Jeans
You spent $200 on those jeans. You spent $200 on JEANS! TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS! Do you have a penis? Really? Cause I don't believe you.


8. Ringer Tees
NERD. I get it, your "vintage" right? Maybe in 1999. However, it's the future now and it looks like you got left behind. Get yourself a normal tee shirt. Please.


9. Overly gelled hair/frosted tips
Your hair is shiny and stiff. Do you like girls with solid hair that feels like plastic? No. Why should we like your hair like that? I don't care what your mom says. Are TRYING to look like your on the Jersey Shore? Get over it. You're in Cleveland.


10. I'm getting tired and can't come up with any more DON'TS.

DO

1. K.I.S.S.

Simple is best. If you don't have much of an eye for fashion you can easily do things like: Avoid logos/graphic tees (being a walking billboard is unattractive). Buy a nice pair of classic tennis shoes (Converse, New Balance, Nike, etc). Keep your hair natural. If it's a hot mess, do just enough to tame that shit. If your bald, shave your head. If you can grow a beard, cool, but leave it at that, a BEARD. More importantly, if you can't grow a beard, DO NOT ATTEMPT. That's embarrassing and you need to hide the evidence. Really, it's easy. Walk into a Target, buy some Levi's and a tee shirt and your golden. Nothing fancy here. You can do it boys. I believe in you.

1 comment:

  1. please update from where i can get that military hat

    ReplyDelete

Followers

About Me

shallow and awesome.