crying thursday

What the hell am I doing in New York? I miss trees and green landscapes..

This week has been really trying for me. I am coming to the realization that I am very, very poor and cannot afford to do extravagant things like shop, go out to eat, or go out drinking more than once a week. I am also coming to the terrifying conclusion that I am going to have to live with complete stranger come June because I have no other options right now. But I'm in New York City, right? So it's cool!

Not really though. This city isn't any fun if you don't have money to enjoy it. EVERYTHING here costs money, and large amounts of it. It costs money to leave. I feel SO TRAPPED.

I can't afford to take a vacation. I can barely even afford to go home for a weekend. I don't know what I'm doing here. If I made what I do now in Ohio I could have a nice apartment with a gym, pool, rec center, comfortable things, be able to go shopping, out to eat and go out. Sometimes when I think about that I feel sick to my stomach.

I am happy here. I love where I work. I want to do more. I want more challenges. But I can't help but feel like I'm lying to myself. Like people just think I'm this dummy Receptionist who has half a brain and can't do shit except file papers and give them their transit checks. UNTRUE. I am fully capable.

I hate how people's money and family connections get them jobs. I HATE that. I am smart. I am capable. I work HARD. I have always worked. I have worked with all kinds of people. I understand people. I am an excellent communicator. I have pretty solid writing skills. No, I wasn't in sorority. And yes, I probably could have done more as far as being "involved" in college. But not everyone is so fortunate to have amazing self esteem and think they can conquer the world at 19 years old. Some of us have to come into ourselves a bit. But I have changed so much since college and I want the chance to show people that.

God, this is isn't even about New York...

I AM GOOD and I want people to NOTICE.

Ugh.